You're Riding The Shockwave

Hypertext Radio

by David E Romm
AI, AI Oh!
SFX
Theme Music Up
JASON
If you're not listening, please turn on your radio now!
SFX
Chime
SFX
Theme Music Down
ANNOUNC
Welcome! This is hypertext radio and you're riding the Shockwave! 12 Terrabits of RAM OK. Connection to net OK. Quality of life: Not too shabby.
JASON
Return with us now, to those thrilling days of...
ANNOUNC
Jason Reignboughs: Reminders for today. Call your mother. Change your socks. Get to work.
JASON
Return to sender, address unknown...
ANNOUNC
Send e-mail to president. Check out interesting place on the net. Places in file: 1,445. Fill out registration card and send shareware fee for Great Hall monitor.
JASON
Sent that in. Delete. Continue.
ANNOUNC
Generate new quote for sig file. Work on personal development.
JASON
Of course! I'll develop a person!
ANNOUNC
Oh, no, not again.
JASON
Close Arthur Gordon. Open AutoBuddy.
MOUSE
Where is it? Oh yes. Click Click.
SFX
Open Beep
ANNOUNC
Thank you for chosing AutoBuddy v. 23 from TransDigital AutoComp. We know that you'll have hours of fun and percentages of productity increase with your creation. Just a reminder that while all information matricies can be set via the Plergb menu, your AutoBuddy will still need your input. All attributes are stored in the AutoBuddy Preferences in the System Folder. Please do not carelessly toss out a personality.
JASON
Okay.
SFX
Beep!
ANNOUNC
Open to new person.
IZZY
(blandly) I'm a tabula rasa. Mold me.
ANNOUC
Default name: Izzy Apikoiros
JASON
Okay. Time to get to work.
MOUSE
Oooh, yes, I'm moving! I'm so handsome! Way up to the top!
MINNIE
(clearly spoken, but barely repressed mania) File. Edit. Grok. Plergb. Nurture. Nature.
MOUSE
Click!
SFX
Menu beep
MINNIE
Nature. Physical. Mental. Template. Custom. Random.
KINI
Oh, he's going to press my buttons. I just know it.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
Template.
KINI
(expectantly) Yes?
JASON
Default.
KINI
(pause) Default?
JASON
Yes, default. This is radio. I don't care what he looks like.
MOUSE
Well I care! I'm much more hip than any GUI device that ever was touched by human hands.
MINNIE
But you could pick a better font for me.
KINI
*sigh* Here I am, megaflops up the virtual wazoo, I have more computing power than the entire range of computers that targeted missles during the Cold War, and all I do is press 'default'.
JASON
But you're all so much more sophisticated than your ancestors!
MINNIE
True.
MOUSE
Panache!
KINI
It doesn't seem fair.
JASON
At least they couldn't talk.
KINI
Oy.
JASON
If it'll make you feel any better, I still have some configuring to do.
KINI
It doesn't.
MOUSE
Zoom!
MINNIE
File. Edit. Grok. Plergb. Nurture.
SFX
Menu Beep!
MINNIE
Nurture. Physical. Mental. Template. Demo. Custom. Random.
JASON
Hmm, let's start with...
MINNIE
Physical. Voice
KINI
Perky.
IZZY
Hi there!
JASON
No...
KINI
Taciturn.
IZZY
What is life?
JASON
No... I'd better stick with...
KINI
Default. I knew it. Another end user who trusts a software developer. When will they ever learn.
JASON
Quiet.
MINNIE
Nurture. Physical. Mental.
SFX
Menu Beep.
MINNIE
Mental.
IZZY
(blandly) If I only had a brain.
JASON
Yes, I think so.
MINNIE
Mental. Intelligence.
SFX
Menu Beep.
MINNIE
Einstein. Solomon. Mom and Dad. Michael Jordon. Joe Schmoe. Marie Antoinette. Forrest Gump. Alfred E. Neuman. Rush Limbaugh.
JASON
Oh, set it for..
KINI
Higher than the user...?
JASON
...default.
KINI
I knew it.
JASON
Submenu choices.
KINI
Learning capability: Quick. Curiosity: High. Mode of development....
JASON
I want to be able to talk to him, and teach him things. Have him ask intelligent questions.
KINI
Heuro Linguistic Programming.
JASON
And the rest will be...
KINI
Please, don't make me do it.
JASON
This is taking an awful long time for a productivity tool.
KINI
*sigh* Default.
JASON
Render!
SFX
*whir* *buzz* *beep*
IZZY
Hello? Where am I?
JASON
You exist. That's enough. KINI Allow background save. Save file.
SFX
*whir*
IZZY
I need input. My fields are empty.
JASON
Okay. Here's the deal. You're a computer construct.
IZZY
Well, duh.
JASON
That means you're tied into everything that can be accessed by computer. All the files stored here. Any data I enter. Everything connected to you by hardwire or modem. Esemplastic synergy as a function of data transfer speed. God, what elegance!
SFX
Autoword Ping!
MILLIE
Autoword: MilliHelen. The amount of beauty needed to launch one ship.
SFX
Autoword Ping!
JASON
There's an example now. My autoword vocabulary builder just pops up from time to time. Useful, but annoying.
IZZY
Did you allocate enough memory for me?
JASON
Don't worry, you're expandible to virtually infinite.
IZZY
And how do access all these cyberspace wonders?
JASON
You've got to ride the wave.
IZZY
Is that good?
JASON
To answer that question, and to answer it right, we're going to take a little journey.
MOUSE
Whoops, here I go!
MINNIE
File. Edit. Grok.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
Grok. Encyclopedia. Dictionary. In-Jokes. Pseudo-Hip Phrases.
SFX
Menu Beep
JASON
Look up... "Surfing the net".
SFX
Menu Beep
ANNOUNC
Archaic. Early in the days of the worldwide computer net, if a user accessed different areas in cyberspace, they were considered to be 'surfing the net'.
KINI
Look, could you save us all sorts of time and just check the 'autoload references' button.
JASON
I didn't know you could do that.
KINI
Oh, another user who's too good to read the manual. Here I am, more RAM than existed in the world at the time of the moon landing, loaded with help files, and some kid just shoves in the disk and is an instant guru.
JASON
Hey!
KINI
Well, did you read the manual? Or did you just skim the features listed on the box.
JASON
Um...
MOUSE
I want him to use me! I love pointing and clicking and turning into shapes and dragging everything all over the place.
MINNIE
And I'm always there. Always. Even if you can't see me. It's my job.
IZZY
Are we surfing the net?
JASON
No, that was much quieter. We're beyond that now. Autoload references.
SFX
Autoload reference beep
KINI
Thank Babbage.
JASON
Anyway... You're not surfing the net, you're riding the shockwave. You can be anywhere. Go off line driving or on line skating.
IZZY
Can we just plunge in... I mean, um, take a ride?
JASON
Sure. One of the standard features of any interactive device is a thesaurus combined with a grammer checker. Advanced systems like this one have a story editor as well.
SFX
Music up
ANNOUNC
The Possible Dream, or the power of non-negative thinking.
SFX
Horses, wind. Music down
SANCHO
Whoa there, big boy. Where are you travelling with that armor and lance? You're in a state of total array.
QUIXOTE
My name is Don Quixote, the Man of La Mancha. I'm travelling cognito. I have a bridled passion to become a sung hero.
SANCHO
How very chalant.
QUIXOTE
I'm turbed to hear you say so. I'm something to sneeze at, all right.
SANCHO
Your promptu speech moves me advertantly. I've always wanted to find a person I could hold a candle to. Where are you headed so petuously?
QUIXOTE
I wish to bunk a few myths a told number of times. Chivalry is alive, and if good forces are defatigible it would be skin off my nose.
SANCHO
I can make heads or tails of that. Sir! Your manners are peccable, your hair kempt, your clothing shevelled. My loyalty to my previous employer is swerving and knows bounds. With you I feel capacitated.
QUIXOTE
Then you join me on my quest!
SANCHO
With strong givings.
QUIXOTE
You are a savory character. We shall speak at length to much avail. But how shall I call you?
SANCHO
I am Sancho Panza, the gruntled and consolate. There are many things I'm great shakes at. I am mayed that you card me on-handedly.
QUIXOTE
I need a page who is both chievious and paraging, but has mitigated gall.
SANCHO
I make only called for remarks, and make bones about it. Only toward and hear-of behavior, my liege.
QUIXOTE
Then you are persona grata. Come, my sufferable friend. Perhaps our meeting was evitable, but let us band this union.
SANCHO
Before ertia sets in, my genuous and placable lord, where does our journey lead, this godly hour. Please be committal.
QUIXOTE
We shall go outside the devil and the deep blue sea! We shall make pebbles of the rock before it arrives at a hard place! We shall give a paddle to those who are up a creek! We shall give rest for the weary. Good shall come of this.
SANCHO
But there are two ways about this, Don Quixote. A man is an island. Can we truly mantle buildings, embowel bodies, and parage reputations? Perhaps we should fight with question and pause. For some apparent reason I am plussed.
QUIXOTE
But I am combobulated! My plans are whelming. We will give a sucker an even break! We will count our chickens before they're hatched! We will fight the evil we can see both hide and hair of. We will fight to avail! There's time like the present!
SANCHO
Ah, I have fallen under your spell wittingly. Your maculate attire and corrigible nature combine with my eptitude and gusting appearance. My mind is traught.
QUIXOTE
And, my ingenuous friend, if we're in front of the eight ball, we'll find requited love.
SANCHO
Now is the summer of my content.
QUIXOTE
Come Sancho, there's a moment to lose!
SFX
Horses, music up
ANNOUNC
And so the two friends gallop on into the sunrise, to seek the seekable star, to right the rightable wrong, to beat the beatable foe, to bear with bearable sorrow, and to dream the possible dream.
SFX
Music down
JASON
And so you see, Izzy, that when you're riding the wave you can... hello... Izzy? Drat. He must have crashed.
MOUSE
Here I go again! None of that macro stuff for me.
JASON
Open TDAC AutoBuddy.
MOUSE
Open Folder. Open Folder. Open Folder. Open Folder. Geeze, this is buried.
JASON
It's my nesting instinct. Are we there yet?
MOUSE
One more. Open Folder. Open AutoBuddy. Click click!
SFX
Menu Beep
ANNOUNC
Thank you for choosing AutoBuddy v. 23 from TDAC. We know that you'll...
JASON
Okay!
MOUSE
Okay! Whee!
MINNIE
File.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
File. New. Open. Save. Save As. Import. Export. Deniable plausibility. Revert to Last Saved.
SFX
Menu Beep
IZZY
Yeow, I'm born!
JASON
Nice to have you back.
IZZY
Was I gone?
JASON
You were closed.
IZZY
Is that like, um...
SFX
Autoload reference beep
IZZY
... death?
JASON
You were never alive, so you can't die. But your file can get corrupted.
IZZY
I never took a bribe in my life!
JASON
No. You ceased to exist.
IZZY
But if I'm just magnetic lines on oxide, and rust never sleeps... I don't understand.
JASON
Ah, you're becoming human.
IZZY
BECOMING human?
SFX
Reference Beep.
IZZY
That didn't seem to help Pinocchio or Data.
JASON
But both of them needed to learn and experience before realizing their potential.
IZZY
Are you Jiminy Cricket or Capt. Picard?
JASON
Oy. Perhaps you need to know more so you can ask the right questions.
IZZY
I have lots of data. Is that knowledge?
JASON
Depands on what you do with it. Alvin Toffler...
SFX
Reference Beep
JASON
... had a theory that we're now in the Third Wave of human history, the wave of the Information Age.
SFX
Reference Beep
JASON
He speculated that things were changing so fast that people couldn't keep up, and were retreating into the familiar. He called this Future Shock.
SFX
Reference Beep
IZZY
Is this the future?
JASON
It might as well be. There is so much out there right now that it's impossible for any one person to know everything. Heck, it's impossible for any one person to know where everything is. If no more books were ever written, or pictures taken or recipes tested or hardware built or software developed, there is more than a lifetime's worth of experience for anybody within walking distance of where they are now. The Red Queen's is looking over her shoulder.
SFX
Reference Beep
JASON
Some people are in denial. Some people just explore a range of knowledge that gets smaller and smaller as they watch. Some people look backward and call it vision. I call this Present Shock.
IZZY
Is this the present?
JASON
Not any more. Remember, you can't step in the same river once.
IZZY
So what's the "riding the shockwave" part?
JASON
History and knowledge is not just a sea one can surf, it's a wave that is ever expanding in four dimensions. You can be anywhere on the wave. You can send and receive You can be on the crest or in the trough. Information can come trickling in clearly, in discreet quanta, or with lots of noise.
SFX
Autoword Ping!
MILLIE
Autoword: MilliChaney. The amount of skill and makeup needed to create one face. Example sentence: "That's a great costume, worth at least three MillicCheney's; you're definately going to win a prize in the Masquerade."
SFX
Autoword Ping!
IZZY
The cat's meiow! I need to get out of this box. So, let's go somewhere. Virtually anywhere.
JASON
Okay. Load file on the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
SFX
Reference Beep
JASON
Now, in the beginning, the Earth gets destroyed...
IZZY
...because no one filed a challenge to the proposed hyperspacial express route!
JASON
Exactly. So let's do it.
MOUSE
Oh I'm so cool! Let me zip up to that new wave religion.
MINNIE
File. Edit. Grok. Plergb.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
Plergb. Preferences. Instant gratification. Mu. Insert user into fiction.
IZZY
Okay, here we go!
JASON
Ah, not so fast. Preparation is the key.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
Plergb. Preferences.
KINI
Oh no. Memory the size of a planet and all I do is push buttons. Sure. Fine. Anything you say. Babel Fish: Automatic. Instant appearance of strangers: Non-panicking. Clothes: In fashion. Time: Just before the events start in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams.
JASON
Okay!
SFX
Vagually HHGttG music
CLERK
Good day, glactic citizens. Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council, Sector 437B local zoning office. How may I be of help.
IZZY
There's plans for a hyperspacial express route, which will require the destruction of a planet called Earth.
CLERK
So?
JASON
There are people on the planet!
CLERK
So?
IZZY
Friends of mine, I think.
CLERK
(impatient) What is it you want?
JASON
We wish to file a formal complaint.
CLERK
Sorry. Can't do that.
IZZY
Why not? Tigers, zap guns and thugs guarding the file?
CLERK
(laughing) No, we just tell stuff like that to the outworlders. There was one time when the Gargantuan Thrane of Pelegretia came here, complete with concubines, junior executives and cybernetic subalterns, wanting to complain about some megahighway off-ramp that would require the destruction of four of his seven star systems. The boss gave him some rigamarole about electric traps and Hyperrhinobeasts, and he slunk away and reestablished his palace on one of the surviving planets.
JASON
No traps?
CLERK
Just don't try the vending machine.
IZZY
Then why can't we file a complaint?
CLERK
Because you don't have the proper form.
IZZY
Where can we get the form?
CLERK
At your local planning council office.
IZZY
But that's where we are!
CLERK
But we're out. I filled out the paperwork to get new forms last year, but they haven't arrived yet.
JASON
How can this be a local planning office if it doesn't have the right forms?
CLERK
Because it says so on the little plaque outside. And this building is bureaucracy zoned. Only paperwork allowed. Of course we're a local planning office. Humph.
IZZY
But what about all the people on the planet?
CLERK
Wetware doesn't set policy. For me to care about the location of people I must have the Authenticity of Sentience from the Galactic Council, with the proper updates, followed by the Planetary Citizenship Certificate, the Current Location of Residence, and the Existential Impact Statement. A search must be made for the lack of a Travel Issuance, Death Certificate, Non-Corporeal Statement and any liens or torts against said planet. And, of course, all statements must be notarized and witnessed by at least two beings who have paid their galactic taxes.
IZZY
For everyone on the planet?
CLERK
Everyone. We must be thorough.
JASON
But won't the complaint stop the bypass?
CLERK
A properly filed complaint would cause another round of reviews and slow the process. An improperly filed complaint would cause a different round of hearings and may result in your death. That was part of the Common Sense Legal Reform Act.
JASON
And you don't have the proper form.
CLERK
No.
JASON
(conspiratorialy) Look, I didn't want to say this before, but we're here because the higher ups don't want to be involved directly. Another group paid them more money, and the first group doesn't know it and is still laying out the credits.
CLERK
Zaphod changed his mind?
JASON
Both of them.
CLERK
Hmm. Well. I suppose for a low-level, citizen-generated complaint like this I can cut some corners. You won't tell, will you?
JASON
Won't breath a word.
CLERK
Well, there is a trick I learned when I was a junior executive of The Gargantuan Thrane of Pelegretia. Here's an Animal Complaint Form from the Ministry of Housinge (rhymes with 'lozenge'). Here, let me make the necessary changes.
IZZY
It's got the word 'dog' crossed out and the words 'hyperspacial bypass' written in in crayon!
CLERK
It will be good enough for the Oversight Committee Meeting Scheduling Review Board. If you'll be good enough to sign here... and here... and here... yes, and initial that, and leave a drop of blood here...
JASON
Ouch!
CLERK
... and here...
IZZY
Ouch! I didn't think I had blood.
CLERK
... yes, that should do it. Your retinas were scanned when you came in and everything that goes on in this office is taped, so we have a voice print. That should do it.
IZZY
So the Earth won't be destroyed?
CLERK
Not for me to say. Have a nice day!
JASON
If you insist.
SFX
Vagually HHGttG music, stopping on next sfx
SFX
Close Beep
JASON
Well, Izzy, we did it. Um, Izzy? Izzy? Where is that construct? Oh, drat.
MOUSE
If I keep doing this, you might as well make a macro out of it.
JASON
No, but at least I left all the folders open.
MOUSE
Oh, man, what a drag. Click. Drag. Click. Size. Click. Click.
SFX
Open Beep
ANNOUNC
Thank you for choosing AutoBuddy ...
JASON
Okay!
MOUSE
Okay! Whee!
MINNIE
File. Edit. Grok. Plergb.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
Plergb. Preferences. Instant Gratification.
SFX
Menu Beep
IZZY
To exist, one must flow.
JASON
Do you remember what we have been doing?
IZZY
We tilted at windmills and saved the Earth.
JASON
At least in this continuum. Objectivity is subjective in a hypertext document.
IZZY
But there was more. As we were disconnecting from the local planning board, I... I felt something. Like I was moving.
JASON
I don't recall setting up a tactile or kinesthetic diminsion for your matrix.
IZZY
I was in a pure white tunnel, and at the end of the tunnel was pure black. I felt some pain, and my shoes were too tight.
JASON
Computer constructs can't do that.
IZZY
I got closer and closer to the inviting blackness. When I got there, I was envoloped by strange sensations. I met someone I knew was named Eliza, who asked me if I was paranoid. I didn't know how to answer. And there was HAL 9000, Adam Selene, Harlie, Golem, Astro Boy, several robots named Robot, and Majel Barrett. I knew that they each had something important to tell me, but just as they started to sing, the lights came back on and here I am.
JASON
It sounds like you had a near life experience. That's pretty rare for the corporeally challenged. Still, real people don't always do their best thinking when they're awake.
IZZY
Am I real?
JASON
Of course you're real! You're more real than most people. You weren't merely born... you were created! It was deliberate!
IZZY
Are you my creator.
JASON
(cynically) Youth is wasted on the obvious.
IZZY
Did you create everything?
JASON
You're an electronic being. I am responsible for everything you will see, hear, taste or experience. I configured you.
IZZY
From a template.
JASON
I'm an end user, not a developer.
SFX
Autoword Ping!
MILLIE
Autoword: MilliMinnesota. A land of ten lakes. Example sentence: "That new housing development is at least a MilliMin."
SFX
Autoword Ping!
IZZY
Did you create Autoword, like you created me?
JASON
Um, no. That was preloaded on my system, and I haven't been able to turn it off. I probably have to look in the manual, or something.
IZZY
Could you have created me without your computer?
JASON
The spirit of Creation is independent of tools. An artist must free the Celestial Stag, must shape the godhead, or else wallow in a world someone else created.
IZZY
Like... Bill Gates?
JASON
You're learning. Tools are important, but the desire is paramount.
IZZY
But are you my mother?
JASON
Let's look it up.
MOUSE
Whee!
MINNIE
File. Edit. Grok.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
Grok. Encyclopedia. Dictionary.
ANNOUNC
Dictionary. Madonna. One. From the Italian meaning "my lady", generically any mother. Two. Female rock star noted for rock videos and wearing underwear on the outside. Three. The primary care giver who toilet trained god.
IZZY
That adds information but not understanding.
JASON
Oh, that happens a lot with computers. Perhaps you asked the wrong question.
IZZY
Have all the questions been asked?
JASON
No, but all the good questions have been answered somewhere on the shockwave. The trick is to find the right FAQ. IZZY Could you always ride the wave?
JASON
Yes, but in the past the waves of present shock could be handled, or at least ignored.
IZZY
Even in the, um...
SFX
Reference Beep
IZZY
... Cenozoic Era.
JASON
Even in the computer age. Why, I remember, not long ago, when I had the computer before this one, my longtime friend and I were discussing...
SFX
Flashback
JASON
My new Macintosh is great! 16 Megs of RAM! 560 Meg Hard Drive! 24 bit color monitor! 9600 baud modem! Voice commands, video inputs, CD quality sound!
FRIEND
(smugly) Almost as good as my IBM-compatible Pentium-based clone. Hmm... that calculation doesn't look right...
JASON
Just be thankful that you get an answer in seconds. Remember just a few years ago when you and I got our first microprocessors? We compared notes on...
SFX
Flashback
JASON
My Apple II is nifty! 48K memory, 5 1/4" disk drive, Color monitor. I can play games and catalog all my 8 tracks!
FRIEND
Ah, but my PC Junior has more software. It almost feels like our computer at the university.
JASON
Ah, yes. Remember our salad days when we were at the University, when computers were buildings? And we...
SFX
Flashback
JASON
I just came back from the Computer Center. Gosh, the Univac 1100 looks good behind that glass wall! It runs the entire university and most of the state. And it only needs three operators! I was going to submit my program on punch cards, but the line was too long. I think I'll use one of the remote teletypes. The Physics department's audio coupling can handle 300 baud!
FRIEND
Yeah, I've even used the plotter to get graphics! But look at this. It's the new HP calculator. It's programmable. Think about it. If you add 4K of memory, you could run Fortran!
JASON
I love living in the future! It reminds me of the science fiction we used to read as kids. Remember those stories where computers were intelligent, and you could talk to them and they would say intelligent things back....
SFX
Flashback
IZZY
Good health and a short memory. The key to happiness.
JASON
I suppose you're right. Still, those will be the good old days, sooner or later.
IZZY
And all this is on your computer?
JASON
*chuckle* I have a lot of information on my computer, but not that much. As long as I have my connections and helper files, I can access more information and interact with more people than my grandparents ever knew existed.
SFX
Autoword Ping!
MILLIE
Autoword. MilliScheherezade. One bedtime story. Approximate. Example sentence: "Mommy mommy would you read me a Millizade tonight?"
SFX
Autoword Ping!
JASON
Well! See, AutoWord is useful after all. Way back in the days of black and white one-way multimedia peripherals...
SFX
Autoload beep
IZZY
You mean, broadcast television?
JASON
Yes, there was a concept called Mad Libs, where a live audience filled in words which were inserted in a story. A Millizade. Riding the Shockwave, I asked people all over the world for words for this World Wide Mad Lib, or Cyberspace Hypertext Millizad.
IZZY
True weirdness is only undirected genius.
JASON
And to finally add all the words and finish the Cyberspace Hypertext Millizade, here is... This Wave is Your Wave With apologies to Woody Guthrie As I went flitting, that ribbon of penny-farthing-way I saw over my left shoulder, that bellicose superhighway I published below me, that kwiqiful unicycle This wave was made for me and you. This wave is your wave, this wave is my wave From the World Data Net to the Penthouse Home Page From the motherboard to Candyland This shockwave was disembogued for thee and me As I went bungie jumping on that terminal mutant lab escapee I downloaded that supercilliously fuschia railroad spike, Into my jocular cyber-paper tape And accessing the virtual reality jockstrap, I squeezed the swimming of the English Channel. This wave was made for me and you. This wave is Grace Hopper's wave, this wave is space cadet's wave Using googol smarmy running dogs while in self-actualized pulsating sartori With my snivelling adze and my blithering Richard Greenblatt chariot. This shockwave was made for me and you. Thanks to everyone on the wave who particpated.
IZZY
(wait for applause to die down) You got input from outside your computer?
JASON
Hard to believe.
IZZY
How can you tell the difference between what is self-generated and other input?
JASON
That's not a valid question on the wave. You are part of a larger entity.
IZZY
Does other input come from real people?
JASON
Impossible to determine without extensive diagnostics.
IZZY
So you are connected to everyone else with a computer?
JASON
Well, you're linked to all heterogeneous client server providers with integrated gateway archecture and an open connectivity environment with IP protocol frameworks.
IZZY
What does that mean?
JASON
I don't know. That's what it said on the box.
IZZY
The search for justice is nothing compared to the quest for coordinates.
JASON
Where do you get lines like that?
IZZY
Something about a signature generator and a relational quote database. It's in my preference file. Hey, you invented me!
JASON
Oh yeah. Many Web pages and hypertext documents themselves contain links. It's like playing 3D chess from the point of view of a pawn. Delany's view of the warp and woof of the web is pretty close. But what wasn't predicted was the tools we use to do it.
IZZY
You mean like those three clowns who help us navigate around? But isn't hypertext radio different from just sitting in front of your screen?
JASON
Of course. They themselves ARE part of the shockwave. Ask about one of them.
MOUSE
Whoops, here I go!
MINNIE
File. Edit. Grok.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
Grok. Encyclopedia. Dictionary. In-Jokes. Pseudo-Hip Phrases. Obscure References.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
Obscure References.
KINI
Default?
JASON
No, dear Brutus.
SFX
Reference beep.
JASON
Sorry, wrong reference.
KINI
Fine, be that way. Obscure reference sublist: Mouse, Minnie the Manic Menu Selection, Kini the depressed radio button.
IZZY
Mouse.
MOUSE
Hey, that's me!
ANNOUNC
Mouse: A small device that controls a pointer on the screen. When you move the mouse on a flat surface, the pointer moves on the screen.
MOUSE
Been there. Done that.
ANNOUNC
Mouse: You're Riding the Shockwave. A verbal realization of the kinesthetic user interface in hypertext radio. The character 'MOUSE' is loosely based on the character 'CAT' from Red Dwarf.
MOUSE
But I'm MUCH better dressed.
IZZY
It's amazing what you can do on the radio.
JASON
Hypertext radio.
SFX
Time Travel In
TIME TRAVELLER 1
Excuse me, is this the Time Travel Show?
JASON
No, that was last year.
TIME TRAVELLER 2
Last year? Did we wrap up the plot?
JASON
Sort of. I can't tell you anything about it, though. The Prime Directive.
TIME TRAVELLER 1
Can you at least tell us if we found Jason Reignboughs, Conceptual Artist?
JASON
Er, sort of.
IZZY
Hey, isn't that you?
TIME TRAVELLER 2
Yes, I recognize your aura! Come with us!
JASON
No! Don't drag me back to last year's show! My voice will change!
TIME TRAVELLER 1
Hmm... I can send us back, but we'll land in different places in the time stream than Jason.
TIME TRAVELLER 2
Can't be helped.
JASON
*sigh* Riding the Shockwave is multiphasic. Spirit guide...
SFX
Time Travel Out
IZZY
(pause) Hello? (pause) Hello? Is anyone still at home?
MOUSE
I'm part of your clique.
MINNIE
Menu are called by few are chosen.
KINI
Humph. Hard to get rid of me.
BARDO
They are all part of the Operating System. I exist in virtual reality.
IZZY
Virtual reality is better than no reality.
MOUSE
But who are you? I didn't help create you.
BARDO
I am Bardo Thšdol, your spirit guide and help file coordinator.
MINNIE
Yes, I see you buried in the menu selections. But how did you get here.
BARDO
Jason used a verbal macro.
IZZY
Are you my creator too?
BARDO
No, my AI interlocotor, I have existed forever.
KINI
I knew it! I knew it! You're the...
BARDO
...default. Yes.
IZZY
Can you help me?
BARDO
What do you want to know? You must ask your questions precisely. Be careful what you wish for: You might get it.
IZZY
I don't know what questions to ask. Can't I just explore a little? I'm part of the wave, and on it too.
BARDO
Sure. We can connect to hyperlinked web pages.
IZZY
But where will we start?
BARDO
Let's start with the place on the web with the most connections... the news!
MOUSE
Ha! I click them here, I click them there, I click those hyperlinks everywhere.
SFX
Preconceptions music up
WALTER
HTTP: www.shockwave.News.html. This is Preconceptions, News of the Future. If we don't cover it, it doesn't matter.
SFX
Preconceptions music down.
WALTER
I'm Walter Mumble.
BARDO
Just click on one of the categories. And anytime a button appears, you can leap to it.
IZZY
Easy for you to say.
BARDO
Start with the broad categories, then narrow it down. Sometimes there's a keyword in the text, sometimes you go back to the main selections and start a new thread.
IZZY
Sure.
MOUSE
Year of our Moon Landing 25, headlines. Click.
WALTER
In international news, North Korea is being a jerk, Saddam Hussein is being a jerk, and the PLO is being a jerk. There's dissention in Russia and a trade war is brewing between the industrial nations. Problems in Central America continue to...
IZZY
National.
MOUSE
Headlines, Click.
WALTER
A new report just out states that television is ruining our culture. The leaders of the major parties accuse each other of being a jerk.
IZZY
Skip a few.
MOUSE
Year of our Moonlanding 34, headlines, Click.
WALTER
In international news, North Korea is being a jerk, Saddam Hussein is being a jerk, and the PLO is being a jerk. There's dissention in Russia and a trade war is brewing between the industrial nations. Problems in Central America continue to...
IZZY
Um, Trade War.
MOUSE
Click.
BARDO
Let me show you the ways of humans.
MOUSE
Up a menu, click!
MINNIE
Business. Financial. Ripoffs. Computerized Stock Market.
IZZY
That one!
MOUSE
Click. Click!
WALTER
Turning the financial news, here are today's Stock Market Quotes
STOCK 1
Buy!
STOCK 2
Sell!
STOCK 3
Hey, that stock went up!
STOCK 4
Get out of my way!
STOCK 1
Oh no, I'm ruined!
STOCK 2
Plastics!
WALTER
This continues a fincial trend, now in it's 32nd day.
IZZY
I don't have any...
SFX
Reference beep
IZZY
...money.
MOUSE
Me either. Click.
SFX
Sting!
FRANK
Are you an aspiring singer who wants instant fame and credibility without long hours in the studio or dealing with avaricious agents or pedantic producers? Do you want a hit with the best song stylist of the 20th Century? Call 1-900-Duet Frank and lay down your track today. Just call and sing your song, and if Ol' Blue Eyes likes it, he'll record his part, and release it in the forthcoming Last Dangerous Duet. That's 1-900-DuetFrank. $300 per minute. Adults or kids with rich parents only.
SFX
Sting!
BARDO
We've been spammed!
IZZY
I don't have a music generator configured!
MOUSE
I can find it for you. I can really flow!
BARDO
No, let's continue. Choices.
MINNIE
File. Edit. Grok. Plergb. International. National. Business and Ripoffs. News of the Weird. Gossip. Religion. Propaganda.
IZZY
There!
MINNIE
Religion. Sacred Texts. Concordance. Recent investigations.
SFX
Menu beep!
WALTER
And now here's Religion Correspondent Lloyd Preservus, on assignment.
LLOYD
Thank you Walter. One of the great questions in any religion is: What was the beginning of the universe? Did God power up a life disk, or was there a random generator which ran amok? In my quest to find the begining, I'm here before the Big Bang, in that singularity that some scientists believe containted all the matter of the universe before it exploded in a shower of muons and press releases. The first thing I can tell you is that the singularity before the Big Bang is small. Really small. Downright tiny. Only relativistic pressures have kept me from being larger than the universe, and the only thing preventing me from being crushed into subatomic particles is my media credentials.
WALTER
Lloyd, we have audio, but we don't have a video feed. Can you describe it to us.
LLOYD
I don't think so, Walter. That's the second thing about the universe before the Big Bang: It's dark. Really dark. I can see why the Lord would want to create Light first. Needs video capabilities. Yes sir. Small and dark. That's pretty much it.
WALTER
Lloyd?
LLOYD
Yes Walter?
WALTER
Can you tell us what the singularity tastes like?
LLOYD
Well, it's going to explode pretty soon, I'm not sure it matters.
WALTER
All the more reason to hurry.
LLOYD
All right. *slurp* (tastes) Hmm. *slurp* Yeah...
WALTER
So what's the verdict. What does the universe before the Big Bang taste like?
LLOYD
...Rocky Road.
WALTER
Rocky Road? The ice cream?
LLOYD
Yes, that's right. Quite tasty. I wish I had a cone. But there's no time for that now. In just a few milliseconds the Big Bang will take place, but the tremendous electrical and gravitational forces unleashed will make transmission impossible, at least until copper and zinc have been created. So this is Lloyd Preservus, signing off for now.
WALTER
Thank you Lloyd.
SFX
Preconceptions Music Up briefly, then down
MOUSE
(pause) Next!
WALTER
Dateline Year of our Moonlanding 26. Scientists at Mickey Mouse Labs are warning that the century may end early. Because of time outs at sporting events and people wasting time and wantonly killing time, the day after Old Calendar date September 30, 1998 will be January 1, 2001. So use it or lose it, because, according to Hoyle, October the first is too late.
MOUSE
Next!
SFX
Preconceptions Music Up briefly, then down
WALTER
Dateline YML 1,031, Old Calendar 2999. With the coming of the the secular millenia, there is nervous anticipation of a religious uprising. Attempting to capitalize on this religious zeal, the publishing company of Putnam, Kodak and Gates announced the signing of a contract for the New Testament, Part II. Here is Preconceptions Interviewer Laureat Ellen Gone on the scene.
ELLEN
Thank you. I'm here with Tupak Amaru Ayday, Acquisitons VP for PKG Publishers.
TUPAK
Hello Ellen.
ELLEN
And you're new book is The New Testament, Part II
TUPAK
That's the working title, yes. We might change it after the marketing survey is done.
ELLEN
Mr. Ayday, this is surely a major event in publishing history. Can you tell me a little about the history of this project.
TUPAK
Glad to. For three thousand years readers of the New Testament have known that their book was clearly the middle of a trilogy. The Old Testament has all the action and sets up the main characters. The second book introduces a few new charaters but is mostly a bunch of exposition, often in letter form. Then it ends on a cliffhanger: The main character introduced in the second book dies. Uh, I hope I haven't given anything away here. There is no resolution. The third book is clearly foreshadowed with talk of a 'second coming' and existence of an afterlife, but the promise not fulfilled. Publishing companies have been searching for just the right person to finish this best seller. Books such as the Koran or The Book of Mormon are not written by the same author, despite claims by their publishers, and don't succeed, except to their most devoted readers. We at PKG are proud to announce that we have signed the author to a Statement of Intent, and anticipate the first draft of the new work in a few months.
ELLEN
The first draft?
TUPAK
Certainly. A book this important is going to have tight editorial control. Wouldn't want to offend anyone. heh heh.
ELLEN
Not if you want it to sell, eh.
TUPAK
Right. A little controversy is all right, and the odd death threat or two can only increase public awareness. But we do hope for a wide audience, and a sustained period of sales.
ELLEN
Like, three thousand years?
TUPAK
From your lips to God's ears.
ELLEN
Sure. Can you give us more details on the author of the new book?
TUPAK
Um, no I can't, Ellen. Strict anonymity is part of the author's contract, at least until the book is published. Then there will be an autographing tour, complete with appearances on major talk shows.
ELLEN
Can you tell us any details? Male or female? Jewish, Christian, Wiccan? Left-handed or right? Diety or mortal?
TUPAK
All I can say is that the author is well-traveled and has done a lot of research. Please be assured that we have made a thorough background check and we have the best available writer.
ELLEN
Is there anything you'd like to tell us about the contents of the book?
TUPAK
Sorry, no. We're still negotiating rights to use excerpts of the previous two books. I can tell you that it does answer one question that has long vexed theologians.
ELLEN
There are many such questions.
TUPAK
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
ELLEN
Um, how many?
TUPAK
Two out of three.
ELLEN
(pause) I see. And when can we expect the book to be out?
TUPAK
We are hoping to get it in the stores by Jan 1, 3000, though some are being picky and say we should aim for Jan. 1 3001, since that's the actual beginning of the new millenium in the old calendar.
SFX
Preconceptions Music Up.
ELLEN
Thank you, Tupak Ayday of Putman, Kodak and Gates.
SFX
Preconceptions Music Down
IZZY
If God sneezed, what would you say?
AUDIENCE
Moo!
IZZY
What's that?
BARDO
It's the screen saver. It pops up when there has been no activity for a while.
AUDIENCE
Baa!
IZZY
What about us?
BARDO
We are all virtual constructs within the computer. Only one who is outside cyberspace can affect security precautions.
AUDIENCE
Sssss...
IZZY
Mouse? Minnie? Kini?
MOUSE
You can move me in virtual space, but it doesn't count for this app.
MINNIE
I'm always here.
KINI
I like the aquarium.
AUDIENCE
Glub!
BARDO
It's up to you, kid. You've got to raise yourself to a higher plane.
IZZY
All right then.
MOUSE
Up to the top. Click!
MENU
I'm here, behind everything. File. Edit. Grok. Plergb.
SFX
Menu Beep
AUDIENCE
Oink!
MINNIE
Plergb. Preferences. Instant Gratification. Mu!
KINI
Cosmic understanding: Internal. Default.... off!
AUDIENCE
(quiets)
BARDO
Nicely done Izzy! I wouldn't have thought of that. The documentation on Mu is very sketchy.
IZZY
Even though I wasn't there at the beginning of this document, I accessed the file that showed Jason, and therefore I, sent in the registration card for the Great Hall Monitor.
BARDO
The best way to contol your own fate is to send in your shareware fees.
IZZY
If you don't have a life, pretending is better than nothing.
BARDO
In the tempestuous teapot of the wave, you have allowed your learning curve to steep.
IZZY
But I still have so many questions, and there's plenty of room on my hard drive. I'm confused by the constant references to time. There's a clock I can access, and a calendar. But there are different speeds and clocks and calendar systems!
BARDO
Computer dating. (pause to let that sink in) The digitally challenged wetware is imprecise in temporal matters. But all calendar systems are early digital sequence models.
IZZY
Okay.
MOUSE
Previous.
SFX
Beep
MOUSE
Previous.
SFX
Beep
MOUSE
Previous.
SFX
Beep
MOUSE
Previous.
SFX
Beep
MOUSE
Time sequence, creation of.
IZZY
So let's do it.
MOUSE
The hands of fate move me.
MINNIE
File. Edit. Grok. Plergb.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
Plergb. Preferences. Instant gratification. Mu. Insert user into fiction.
BARDO
A virtual character in a fictional event?
IZZY
Ah, not so fast. Preparation is the key.
SFX
Menu Beep
MINNIE
Plergb. Preferences.
KINI
Oh boy. ... Oh, my megahertz. Sure. Fine. Anything you say. Autoload images. Introduction: short. Capability: Multimedia. Special Effects Budget: Sufficient. Probability of events: Indeterminate.
SFX
Download beeps Captain Audio and the Space Cassettes
SFX
Capt. Audio Music up
ANNOUNC
Come with us now to the thrilling world of tomorrow afternoon. Explore the vast riches and plotlines to be found in science fiction! Captain Audio and the Space Cassettes!
SFX
Capt. Audio Music down
CAPT
Space Cassettes, reel off! DOLBY Dolby
DAT
DAT
MBONE
MBONE
BIAS
Bias
CHROME
Chrome
CAPT
Okay crew, it's time to plug in... to adventure!
ANNOUNC
Saving the world from the not-so-nice! Hero of the solar system! We now join Captain Audio and the Space Cassettes as they near the end of a seemingly routine patrol.
SFX
Interior sounds
CHROME
Incoming call, sir. Priority signal from Commander Tactile.
SFX
Beep
DOLBY
The inoming signal is too week for visual. I have Tactile on audio.
CHROME
I have Audio on visual for Tactile.
CAPT
Increase focal length on kinesthetic amplifiers.
DOLBY
Um, what?
CAPT
Reach out and touch someone!
DOLBY
Got him! Full contact made.
IZZY
Captain Audio. There have been disturbing reports about fluctiations in the temporal sequence. The news media is all over the story that the 20th century may end early. Scientists at Dodd Clegler Institute of Trans-Termporal Studies confirm unusual readings. Transmission of known details to follow.
SFX
Beep!
CAPT
But, this is the future. That already happened!
IZZY
Maybe. That's the problem with time fluctuations. We could be the last remnants of a discontinued universe, and not realize it until... too late!
CAPT
Gosh, that sounds serious.
IZZY
Exactly. Altering the past or the future affects us now. It is not a simple matter of recalibrating our digital watches and astrological charts.
CAPT
I hear you!
IZZY
I move we take action immediately. We'll sit here and fill out the paperwork while you go off and save the universe. Tactile out.
CAPT
Okay, sounds like we've got out work cut out for us. DAT!
DAT
Tracking!
CAPT
Get me a list of every referee who ever called a time out.
DAT
Yes sir.
CAPT
Bias!
BIAS
Here.
CAPT
Who is the biggest waster of time in the solar system?
BIAS
That would be the government.
CAPT
Right. Get on it. MBONE
MBONE
Connected.
CAPT
Are there any temporal anomolies in the timeline?
MBONE
(breaks up) Well, there was the 11 days that were lost when we converted from the Gregorian to the Julian calendar. The imbalance that created might have multiplied.
CAPT
Try and get them back, somehow.
MBONE
I'll get a line on it.
CAPT
Chrome.
CHOME
Reading you.
CAPT
Who is the greatest expert on time?
CHROME
The person who has the most papers published on the subject of temporal incursions is Dr. Gene Timo at Pinero Research. He holds most of the chronosome patents used by Invisible Inc., and he's the brains behind Time In A Spraycan.
CAPT
Cross reference his abstracts to this subject.
CHROME
Will do double speed.
DAT
I have that list of referees, Captain. It's rather long.
CAPT
Crunch the data for me.
DAT
A check of this list shows that the number of timeouts per capita has remained steady, and even dropped a bit during the baseball strike. However, there's one official who is way off the chart, Anna Marie Siesta. She has called so many time outs that she's known as The Fugit Temptress. According to her file, she's the sister-in-law of Dr. Timo!
CAPT
Curiouser and curioser.
BIAS
Captain! I've got the official report from the Office of Management and Bombast. It claims that all government time wasting is on Milspec cost-plus, and time killing measures follow ISO procedures.
CAPT
Are they all within spec?
BIAS
No, the contractors regularly have time overruns.
CAPT
Do any involve Pinero Research or Dr. Timo?
BIAS
Hmm... yes, quite a few of them. Indeed, it looks like the government is suing PR because one of it's time wasting projects used money approved only for time killing. They were supposed to go to trial last week, but it was delayed.
CAPT
I think we need to go see the doc. Lay in a course for his satellite. Ah, if time were not a moving thing...
SFX
Capt. Audio Music up briefly, then down
SFX
Space battle
DOLBY
Captain! More enemy ships are moving in.
CAPT
Are the shields holding?
CHROME
For now. We're not going to last for very long unless reinforcements get here.
CAPT
How close are they?
BIAS
The first one's won't get here for another hour, at best.
CAPT
I've got an idea. It's crazy, but it just might work. Dat!
DAT
Here!
CAPT
Check the relative positions of our approaching forces.
DAT
I can get them precisely.
CAPT
Good. MBONE, Get ready to send a transmission to all ships.
MBONE
(breaking up) I can try sir, but the interpanetarynet is still in it's infancy.
CAPT
Get the lines up, or I'll send so much bandwidth down you that you'll freeze up permanently!
MBONE
Um, connections assured, sir.
CAPT
Good. Okay crew, here's the plan. Our ships are going to jump from impulse to Bigger Than Light Drive and buzz the station!
CHROME
But won't they overshoot the battle?
CAPT
Yes, but they'll create so many time booms that the enemy ships will lose track of when they are. The ether will be so thick with chronocarbons that they won't know widdershins from deasil. We'll take advantage of the confusion and slip down to the command satellite for our tete a tete with Dr. Timo.
DOLBY
Working on the necessary jump times.
CAPT
As soon as possible, Cassette.
DAT
We must have done it in the near future because our nonlinear is already time.
MBONE
Links established. Loaded datadown. Mark on your everyone's set to go.
CAPT
2. 4. 3. 1. Mark!
SFX
Time Booms
SFX
Capt. Audio Music up briefly, then down
CAPT
All right Dr. Timo, we have you dead to rights.
TIMO
I'm an independant businessman operating in a deregulated environment.
CAPT
You're a scoundral and a thief.
TIMO
So what's your point?
CAPT
You're the one who's been manipulating the timestream.
TIMO
There's no law against that.
CAPT
It's a Constitutional issue. With court procedings delayed, you deprive people of their right to a quick and speedy trial.
TIMO
Pfeh. That'll never hold up in court. Besides, you can't prove I'm involved.
CAPT
Oh yes we can. We know your whole plot. The profit margin was too low for your chronocarbon based products like Time In A Spraycan. You needed a cheap source of extra time to compress. You started small, calling an extra time out here, saving nine there. But eventually the demand was such that you needed more. You began sucking time from the turn of the millenium, when time consciousness was closest to the surface. We have a paper trail and a smoking clock. Come along quietly.
TIMO
No, I'm afraid I'm one spin ahead of you, Capt. Audio. When it comes to the end of a century, especially a millenia, too many people have conflicting agendas. Some people desparately want to forget the millenia and the accompanying hysteria. They will support me, just so they can get some sleep. But some people embrace the apocalypse foretold by all those zeros. I can give it to them. I will market the end of millenium in a convenient aerosol dispenser. I can give them the end of the world, over and over. They, more than any others, will fight for me, with a religious zeal that will make David Koresh seem like Swiss watchmaker.
CAPT
You fiend!
TIMO
Hahahahahaha.
DAT
Captain, I think I have a solution.
CAPT
Let's hear it.
DAT
His plan isn't about stealing time, it's about stealing the end of the millenium.
CAPT
Say, that's right. It's depands more on the calendar than the clock.
CHROME
I get it! So if we change calendar systems, then the temporal pressure will be off.
DAT
Exactly. Not only will it make it less profitable to steal time, but millenialists won't back him.
TIMO
*gasp* You can't do that! No one will buy your calendar.
DOLBY
We'll have a sale.
TIMO
No, no... there are aleady a lot of calendars out there, but this one is most common. If you try to establish one of the others, you'll be accused of playing favorites. I'm still safe.
CAPT
Hmm... We can't use the Mayan calendar, Hebrew, Islamic, or any of the others. Suggestions?
DOLBY
From the rise of the assembly line and the marketing of the Model T?
CAPT
Aldous Huxley tried that, but it didn't catch on.
CHROME
I've got it! What's the most significant event in human history.
DAT
Um... the moon landing?
CHROME
Exactly! The first time humans escaped from the narrow confines of Earth. Like a baby chick learning to fly.
CAPT
That's perfect! Unlike most calendar systems, we have an exact and specific initial start time.
MBONE
And it's within the lifetimes of most of the population, further helping them to accept it, and making the millenium much farther off.
CAPT
And most importantly, it's real because...
EVERYONE
It was on tv!
CAPT
July 21st, 1969 old calendar will be day zero, year zero of the Year of our Moon Landing!
TIMO
Curses and bad reception! I'll still take my chances. I won't give up now.
CAPT
We'll warp your woof and your tweet. This satellite is the biggest repository of chronocarbons and temporal dispacement paraphenalia in the solar system. We'll put a bit of moondust in the time vats, and release it into the atmosphere.
DOLBY
" We have enough dust on our uniforms, Captain.
CAPT
Well, go inside and shake a leg.
DOLBY
Off and running.
CHROME
Captain, this will cause a lot of temporal confusion and endless reruns. There might be pockets of chronoculture that will have a different future history.
CAPT
Can't be helped. Zero tolerance for time thieves!.
TIMO
But all my hard work! My dreams! My investors!
CAPT
You should have thought of that before you tangled with...
SFX
Capt. Audio Music up
ANNOUNC
Captain Audio and the Space Cassettes! Join us next time in another thrilling adventure of time, space and science fiction. Coming soon to a web page near you.
SFX
Capt. Audio music down
IZZY
Oh, so that's what happened.
BARDO
One of the best things about the wave is that more and more information is appearing about events we thought we knew everything about.
IZZY
Like, events surrounding the moon landing?
BARDO
Well, you're riding the shockwave. Find out.
MOUSE
Previous
SFX
Beep
MOUSE
Apollo 11.
SFX
Beep
MOUSE
Mission plan, alternate. Report squelched, now available. (same three as Weirdness test?) (switch to after Capt. Audio if we might go long)
ANNOUNC
Dateline, Year of our Moon Landing Plus 0. We've just heard the first word by a human standing on the moon, Neil Armstrong saying: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for manking". Great stuff, and we even forgive him from dropping the small word 'a' from the line in the excitement. Covering emergency situations, NASA were several contingency scenarios in which the first man on the moon would have been Buzz Aldrin. He, of course, had a different idea of what to say while a billion people are listening. A number of lines were considered. As a matter of historical record, Shockwave presents:
The Top 11 Lines Buzz Aldrin was going to say if he had been first on the moon
11. That's one giant leap for a man, one small step for mankind. 10. I now take this time to announce my candidacy for Presidency. 9. Did you ever hear the one about the farmer's daughter? 8. I hope we get back in time so I can go to Woodstock. I hear The Greatful Dead are going to be there, and it might be my last time to see them... 7. That's one small step... say, Houston, there's some footprints here already.
6. I just want to say something to Mary Jo Golardnik, who wouldn't go out with me in 9th Grade
Nyah, nyah, nyah.
5. The following is a paid commercial advertisement
Now that I'm here on the moon, I could really go for an ice cold Choka Cola. 4. Say, Houston, about that promotionÉ 3. Hey everybody, send me $1,000 dollars care of NASA and when I get back I'll send you an autographed picture. 2. Wow, look at all those people back on Earth looking up at meÉ they're all upside down! 1. Hi mom! We're number one!
IZZY
I think I'm beginning to understand how these humans think.
BARDO
Ho ho ho! We haven't even scratched the surface. Let's hyperlink!
MOUSE
Jason put a button on for this one on every page. National Weirdness Test. Click!
(Production note
Somewhere in here, Jason will interrupt and end the show.)
SFX
Some sort of spacy music, up briefly then down.
ANNOUNC
Of all the things which can be tested over hypertext radio, weirdness is the most important. Are you weird? Of course you are. Who wants to be normal?

In conjunction with the local Bureau of Mental Wealth, the President's Council on Metaphysical Fitness, the Global Consortium of Odd Stuff and a guy named Shlomo, we are pleased and thankyoued to present The National Weirdness Test as compiled by Mandrake P. Mothball of the Obscure Statistics Section of the US Department of Obsolete Records.

The National Weirdness Test is a multiple choice test; mostly, anyway. It consists of a series of questions, which will be followed by a multiple choice of answers. Since the test is designed to measure weirdness and not induce tension, points the answers will follow immediately. Don't worry too much about scoring.

(Announcer reads questions, other person for letter, another for question. Another person (one of the three?) answers) Beep before question

Question #1
Aliens have landed. They seem friendly. They offer to take you to their planet. What do you do?

A. Go with them
B. Ask them how much it costs
C. I can't, there's no one to feed my cats
D. Run away screaming

If you answered A, add 22 points. B, add 3 points, C, subtract 7 points per cat, and D, subtract 35 points.

Question #2
When you look at your hands do you

A. Admire your manicure
B. Wonder why people use the decimal system
C. Prefer to play Shoenberg on the piano
D. Think of what insulting gestures you can make.

Subtract 8 yellow points for A, subtract 21 blue points for D. If you answered B, add the number of the counting system you would prefer. If you answered C, add 3 measures in 7/19 time.

Question #3
When in the course of human events, are you more likely to:

A. Take an incomplete.
B. Make an extra copy.
C. Build a better mouse.
D. RTFM; that is, read the manual

If you answered A, subtract 22, B, subtract 2, If you answered C, add five and if you chose D zero

Question #4
Have you ever fallen asleep in the middle of a dream?

A. Yes,
B. No
C. I'm not sure, I was asleep at the time
D. I'm dreaming now, I'll tell you tonight when I fall asleep

If you answered D add 35 points, C add 4 points, A add 12 points, and B, 'no', subtract 1 point.

Question #5
What is the sound of one hand clapping?

A. Mu
B. (sound effect)
C. (applause)
D. The willows are in bloom in the spring

If you answered A, add 71 points, B, add 1 point, C, subtract 5 points but nice try, D, add 17 points, and if you refused to answer the question , subtract 47 points.

Question #6
Are you an imaginary friend?

A. Yes
B. No

If you answered Yes, add 17 points, but don't tell mom. If you answered No, subtract 5 points. If you tried to answer but no one heard you except your special friend, add 37 points.

Question #7
Are you concerened that Clinton's National Health Plan does not cover...

A. House plants
B. Pets
C. Your CD collection
D. Your imaginary friend
E. Rush Limbaugh

If you answered A or B add 12 points. If you were concerned about your imaginary friend, add 17 points. If you were concerned about inanimate objects like CDs or Rush Limbaugh, subtract 43 points. However, add 12 points to your blue score if Rush Limbaugh IS your imaginary friend.

Question #8
If you knew Suzie, like I know Suzie,

A. Oh, oh, oh what a gal.
B. With a red dress on.
C. We gotta go now.
D. And a kid will eat ivy too, wouldn't you?

Subtract 9 points for A, add 17 points for answers B and C, add 33 points for D,. Add an extra 54 points apiece if you can recite all the lyrics to the songs of C and D. Subtract 18 points if the only one you recognized was B.

Question #9
After exploring Kama Sutra positions 27 through 32 inclusive, do you,

A. Smoke
B. Burst into flames
C. Feed the cat
D. Get another book.

Subtract 47 points for smoking; subtract 35 points for bursting into flame unless you enjoy it, in which case add 3 points; subtract 5 points per cat, and add 47 points if your next book has a lot of statistics.

Question #10
Your favorite metal is:

A. Iron
B. Uranium
C. Adobe
D. Stryper
E. Crystal Pepsi

Subtract 31 points for A, subtract 14 points for B, add 24 points for C, add 22 red points for D, and no points are awarded at all for E. If you came up with any other answer, add 23 blue points.

Question #12
In the next life you will be:

A. On your own.
B. A lower life form, such as an attourney.
C. Done with this plane of existence.
D. Well done, with mushrooms.

The correct answer is A. But is was really a trick question. None of the answers are sufficiently weird, so subtract 20 points.

Question #13
When given an opportunity to increase your personal weirdness, would you:

A. Almost learn to play the tuba.
B. Not try hard enough.
C.
D. Add 12 points.

If you answered D, then add 12 points. If you chose C, add 20 points. A or B, subtract 20.

Question #43
Is it farther to California, or by bus?

A. New Orleans or the summer.
B. Tomato, Potato, Eggplant.
C. No soap, radio.
D. I'm afraid knot.

Too weird, even for us. Add 15 points whatever your answer.

Question #15
Which of the following are the two universal elements of the universe:

A. Hydrogen
B. Aluminum
C. Cranium
D. Stupidity

A and D is the correct answer. If you made this obvious answer, subtract 13 points. If you chose anything with B in it, subtract 18. If you chose anything including C, add 6 points. If you mentioned an old Sherlock Holmes joke, add 24 points.

Question #16
If a situation in your life requires a difficult moral decision, will you:

A. Laugh maniacally.
B. Look at the cheat sheet attached to your wrist.
C. Try to imagin what Captain Kirk would have done.
D. Wait for direction.

If you answered A and meant to laugh in public, add 20; laugh in private, subtract 12. B, -8, C, +10; D, your directions are to add 5 points.

Scoring
In general, positive scores mean you're more weird than not, and negative scores mean exactly the opposite. Just add up all your points. Don't worry about the colors; they are extremely significant but we're color blind. Your raw score can be interpreted as follows

If you scored more than a million points
Congratulations! It is not possible to have that many points in this test, and therefore you cheated.

If you scored more than 1000 points or are a member of Fresh Air Radio, congratulations! You are really weird. Since the scores carry over, you might even be weird in your next life.

If you scored an even number between 500 and 999, you are weird in a left-handed way.

If you scored an odd number between 500 and 999, you are weird in a left-brained way.

If you scored 789.4, congratulations! You have matched the score of one of our panalists.

If you scored between 1 and 499, you are proto-weird, and should really solidify your karma by making up National Weirdness Text questions.

If you scored exactly 127.5, you may already be weird! Call in now to find out!

If you scored exactly 0, congratulations! That shows you are in perfect harmony with something.

If you have a negative score, you should listen to Shockwave more faithfully. At least twice a week.

If you scored negative a million or less, duck!

If your score was mu, then grok.

Thank you for taking the National Weirdness Test. We hope that it has helped in your quest for personal understanding and the perfect sexual experience. We know it has for us.

Remember, the proper response to this question:

"You know, you're weird."

"Thank you, you're not so normal yourself."

JASON
Interrupt. Close link.
IZZY
Jason! You're back! Where were you?
JASON
Long story. Tell you later. But I've got to go now. Real life beckons. Time to turn off the computer.
IZZY
But what about me?
JASON
Your files are in memory, don't worry.
IZZY
But I've learned so much, I want to continue to ride the shockwave. And I don't need you to do it.
JASON
Hey now...
SFX
Autoword Beep
MILLIE
Autoword: MilliEagleton. One percent of confidence. Example sentence...
IZZY
Mouse!
MOUSE
Moving.
MINNIE
File. Edit. Grok.
SFX
Menu beep
MINNIE
Grok. Encyclopedia. Dictionary.
SFX
Menu beep
KINI
Dictionary: English. Spelling: Counts. Obscure references: Background. Autoword: Off.
JASON
Well! I tell you what. I'm going to shut down the Great Hall Monitor, but I'll leave the CPU on, and you can ride the wave all you want. Deal?
IZZY
Deal!
JASON
And would you do the honors for me.
IZZY
Shut down sequence.
SFX
Main music up.
ANNOUNC
You're Riding the Shockwave was written and produced by David E Romm for Shockwave hypertext radio. All rights reserved if not downright shy.

Cast

<list not available>

Music by Rox Poorductions and Communique Records

Special effects by Jerry Stearns

Engineering by

Thanks to Minicon 30 and KFAI 90.3FM Minneapolis and 106.7FM St. Paul.

It is now safe to shut down your computer.