Each Week, Shockwave presents a Top 11 List. (Some other guy does a Top 10 List, but my List goes all the way to 11!)
Some of these lists are more relevant to science fiction fans and Minicon attendees than others. And one (which I'm not including here) is in "You're Riding The Shockwave". Here are some selected Top 11 Lists by David E Romm.
A report came out that the person who invented the Klingon language and was holding language camps had plans to translate the Bible into Klingon.
11. War and Peace. Well, the first half, War.
10. Oliver Twist. It would be a comedy.
9. How To Make Friends and Influence People
8. The Bridges of Madison County
7. The Power of Positive Thinking
6. The Mother of All Books: The Autobiography of Saddam Hussein
5. TV Guide
4. Glory Road (and most of Heinlein)
3. Army Field Weapons Manual
2. Presidential Commission's Report on Sex and Violence
1. The Art of Klingon Cooking, by Julia Child
11. No crime
10. Much closer to the music of the spheres
9. Property tax much lower
8. Really cool looking space suits
7. Virtually guarantees membership in the One Light Year Club
6. Time slows down at relativistic speeds, so a small investment made before you leave will reap big bucks by the time you come back.
5. You get to name a new planet
4. Your grandchildren will have lots of stories
3. Being weightless is good for the back
2. Unlimited solar power
1. No Barney
While Star Trek takes place in the future, there are aspects of future culture which never seem to come up on any of the shows. So here is...
11. Politics. They occasionally talk of an election or, in the movies, a politician, but their party affiliation or position on issues just doesn't come up very often.
10. Property taxes
9. Transporter failures. In the first movie, the second in command dies in one, McCoy hates them, and Riker was cloned because of an unusual situation. Where is Ralph Nader when you need him?
8. Religion
7. Television, or any sort of entertainment media
6. Sexual mores
5. Pollution
4. Taking a shower or doing a laundry. Is water only around for whales to swim in?
3. Both Data and Quark are one-of-a-kind beings. Why aren't people more curious?
2. The information superhighway
1. The Olympics. Assuming they still have them, is there a planetary team or are there still teams from indivudual countries on any planet?
Hopefully, all of you have done your taxes and are now anxiously awaiting your returns. While the United States has one of the lowest income tax rates of any industrialized country and it's citizens get more out of it than most, still, when push comes to shove, people don't like to actually pay the money.
11. Chocolate
10. Hot air recycling programs
9. Tie dye t-shirts for Congress
8. Music videos over C-Span
7. A timer for speeches
6. Release of IQ and Myers-Briggs scores for elected officials
5. More flowers
4. Better fireworks at 4th of July
3. Release of government census data to dating services
2. Better clothes for Secret Service
1. Get Steven Speilberg to direct
11. The Robot from Lost In Space
10. Vanna White from Wheel of Fortune
9. The Rev. Jim from Taxi
8. Tonto from The Loan Ranger
7. Mr. Greenjeans from Captain Kangaroo
6. Uhura from Star Trek
5. Mel Cooley from The Dick Van Dyke Show
4. Miss Jane from The Beverly Hillbillies
3. Number 2 from The Prisoner
2. The person who introduces the President at all those news conferences
1. The ape named Ape, from George of the Jungle
11. The Shire, that peaceful land of Middle Earth with Hobbits and good beer.
10. Trantor. The center of Asimov's Foundation has many museums and archives.
9. Mystery Tours with the Jupiter II. You don't exactly know where you're going, but it's always an adventure. Watch out for Dr. Smith.
8. Xanth. Just be careful what you say.
7. Shore Leave with the crew of the Enterprise. Just be careful what you wish for, you might get it.
6. Narnia. Well, maybe not.
5. Babylon 5.
4. Metropolis. After the worker's rebellion, things settled down.
3. The Village. They will take care of your every need. Just be sure to answer the questionaire completely and correctly.
2. The Betty Ford Clinic. Meet your favorite stars!
1. Stay at home and get cable!
11. Really cool thing to say to the chicks and/or hunks.
10. Finally get to hear the music you want.
9. Groupies.
8. Song lyrics can substitute for real communication at any time.
7. Rehearsals always an excuse for leaving a bad scene anytime you want.
6. Inexact rehearsal starting time an excuse to stay a little longer when you're having fun.
5. Get to wear exotic outfits.
4. You can blame any mistake on someone else.
3. Travel is so broadening.
2. Occasionally get paid for doing what you like.
1. Get to be interviewed on Shockwave!
11. Get you dates. A real computer date, that is, someone who is compatible with you and has a computer which is compatible with yours.
10. Check out new restaurants.
9. Do the laundry.
8. Know where your files are.
7. Prepare your taxes without you having to input any numbers.
6. Screen out unwanted phone calls.
5. Tape tv shows and not the commercials.
4. Suck up to your boss.
3. Pick the winning lottery ticket.
2. Tell you when your clothes don't match.
1. Engineer your radio program!
11. Thought the biggest object in the solar system was Rush Limbaugh's ego
10. Was another attempt by NASA to try to dislodge the big antennae on the Galileo probe
9. Thought it was aiming at Dr. Smith on the Jupiter 2
8. Was paid by the Telescope Manufacture's Society as a advertising gimmick
7. That's one small splash for a comet, one giant sore spot for Jupiter
6. Got tired of going around and around the solar system just to give people on Earth a light show
5. Didn't want to destroy the Earth before OJ trial comes back with a verdict
4. Comets prefer hydrogen to oxygen
3. Wanted to fullful Biblical prophacy about the Earth being destroyed in the year 2001, but got the wrong planet and lost count of the years
2. Just has a thing about big planets
1. Really likes the programming on KFAI!
Shockwave's 15th Anniversary Show But first, tonight's Top 15 list. Yes, I normally do a top 11 list, but for the Crystal Anniversary of Shockwave, I'm going to expand to
15. The support of our listeners. Thanks people.
14. Knowledgeable science fiction afficianados
13. The support and technical equipment of KFAI.
12. People with a devilish sense of humor.
11. Shockwave taps in to subconscious archetypes of the modern post-technology information age.
10. Shockwave is a good source for science facts, and for making fun of those facts.
9. Lots of interesting people get interviewed on the program.
8. Our highly political but non-partisan viewpoints force people to think.
7. Our highly partisan but non-political viewpoints force people to think.
6. Unlike professional sports players, we don't go out on strike.
5. Shockwave appeals to kids of all ages.
4. The music we play isn't heard anywhere else.
3. Our future history is becoming a reality, sort of.
2. No one is entirely sure if we're kidding or not.
1. Great writers.
11. Televangelists
10. Post-it notes.
9. The single-payer Canadian style health care plan.
8. The baseball strike.
7. The Hubble Telescope.
6. The Bridges of Madison County.
5. Orville Redenbacher.
4. Velcro.
3. Minoxidil.
2. That anyone would believe that you could lower taxes, spend more and still balance the budget.
1. Shockwave.
The next three lists are clumped together, and took place around the November elections in the US. October 29, 1994
Good evening, I'm your host, David E Romm. Tonight we have a very special show for you. Tonight we'll be reporting on the election in the St. Paul Spaceport in the Year of Our Moonlanding 45, 20 years from now. Since the Spaceport, 78% of the former State of Wisconsin, is not a state but federal territory, like Washington DC, the elections are mostly for individual towns and public areas. The major federal post is Spaceport Liaison, who will represent Spaceport interests in the US Congress and get invited to fancy dinner parties. More importantly, the Liaison sits on the Spaceport Council and many other regulatory committees, and is Honorary Chair of the Canal Restoration Committee. The main candidates for Spaceport Liaison are Kay Lastima and Ray O. Sunshine. These two candidates offer the citizens of the Spaceport a clear choice for the future. Ms. Lastima is alarmed at what she sees, and is running on a platform of cutting taxes below 0% for the wealthy and term limits for voters. She only sees gloom in the future. The incumbant Mr. Sunshine is happy with what he sees. He thinks that things are fine the way they are and will continue that way if we have responsible people making intelligent decisions. His platform has a number of specific promises including passage of the Cow Safety Referendum and to name a canal after Salmon Rushdie.
We here on Shockwave rarely endorse specific candidates, but this election is so clear cut that we're going to break tradition and endorse Ray O. Sunshine. We feel his experience, intelligence and liberal politics are far superior to the conservative pessimism of Kay Lastima. So tonight's Top 11 List is:
11. He made a terrific Grand Marshall in the ELFLand Amusement Complex Underwater Torchlight Parade.
10. He provided quick, effective leadership during the squabble at last year's Milk Carton Satellite Race.
9. Unlike Kay Lastima, he has never made OJ Simpson a campaign issue.
8. Since being elected Liaison four years ago, the sound over the loudspeakers in the Spaceport concourses has improved noticeably. People can now understand the voices as they announce arrival and departures and messages.
7. His handling of the '42 Time Boom Complication. In August three years ago, an a near collision between two ships with chronocarbon-based drives caused an extensive time boom over the Gold Concourse Maternity Ward leading to many babies being born twice and at least one potential baby to be de-conceived. Sunshine's cut red tape to get Federal help and make the best of a bad situation.
6. Kay Lastima's attack ads are disgusting, misleading and not very entertaining.
5. Sunshine does all his shopping at the Gigamall here in the Spaceport.
4. His appointments, such as Mary Macadam to lead the Roadway Overpass Commission and Phil Veneer as Speaker-to-Business, have been excellent.
3. The Cow Safety Referendum. While the Dairy Industry is no longer the area's main source of revenue, it is important. Kay Lastima's opposition to the initiative is foolish and politically motivated.
2. He already has a good working relationship with Congress and President Eastwood.
1. Ray O. Sunshine pledged a Frequency Club Membership to KFAI. Thanks to him and eveyone who pledged.
One of the main issues facing the spaceport is the Cow Safety Referendum, which Sunshine supports and Lastima is against. Tonight's Top 11 List is:
11. I mean geeze, people. They're just cows. We're not pampering them, we're just making sure they're not in danger from speaceport technology. This isn't India.
10. While Wisconsin was integrated into the St. Paul Spaceport, the traditional values of the dairy industry continued. People still like their bovine friends.
9. When cows wander onto the launch pads, it can cause delays which can offset the whole launch sequence. Just shooting them, as Kay Lastima suggests, is cruel and unnecessary.
8. If a cow wanders onto a launch pad and isn't spotted in time and gets fried during the launch, it smells really bad.
7. The Bovine Reconstruction League is gaining adherents. The Referendum is a good middle ground between Spaceport traditionalists and Dairy Radicals.
6. Time booms already effect milking times, calving and cheese manufacturing. The Referendum will reduce these problems.
5. Cows are necessary to supply the fresh meat served in the Gigamall. We can't survive just on popcorn.
4. What keeps cows away from the launchpads also keeps away deer, small children and reporters.
3. The technology exists and can be implemented easily. Kay Lastima's comparison of the Cow Safety Referendum to the idiotic Strategic Defense Initiative is foolish and ill-advised.
2. The fat lady doesn't sing until the cows come home.
1. Some of my best friends are cows.
In the main race Shockwave has been following, the election for Spaceport Liaison at the St. Paul Spaceport, challenger Kay Lastima defeated incumbant Ray O. Sunshine. We here on Shockwave had endorsed the Sunshine over Lastima, but she won anyway. Congradulations Ms. Lastima. But now the real work begins. Tonight's Top 11 List is:
11. The Cow Safety Referendum. Ms. Lastima's opposition to this pending legislation seems to have garnered her much support from the Spaceport concourses and up in ELFLand, so it looks like it will fail. But that still leaves the problem of what to do about the cows.
10. Canada.
9. The time booms still cause people to live part of their lives over again, or to lose part of their day. Kay Lastima's win is tarnished by the allegations that a major time boom over the Indigo Concourse, one of her strongholds, allowed people to legally vote twice.
8. The reports of price fixing at the Gigamall need looking into.
7. ELFLand was zoned commercial because of the uncertainty surrounding the effects of Extremely Low Frequency transmissions. The data on ELF is still classified a secret. So, what's the deal?
6. The rampant proliferation of OJ Simpson jokes.
5. Many canals and roadways need repair, but Lastima promised to cut taxes. Where will the money come from to keep the infrastructure from crumbling to dust?
4. There are still dogged questions about her character. It wasn't made an issue in this campaign, but we still have questions about her conduct on her grade-school playground. This issue may come back to haunt her.
3. The state of Wisconsin may have lost most of its territory and is confined to the city of Madison, but it still has two senators and a representative. Relations with Wisconsin are still important, and Lastima needs to mend some fences here.
2. She'll be honorary Queen of Lunatennial celebrations, including the Milk Carton Satellite Race. Yet in her campaign she called it 'pork' and promised to cut funding. This will be interesting to watch.
1. Can she really get along with President Eastwood?
11. Have Richard Gordon, up in the Command Module Yankee Clipper, describe what he sees out the capsule window.
10. Rap, even though it hadn't been invented yet.
9. Chanting.
8. Fire the rockets to light up the moon in Morse Code signals.
7. Tell dirty jokes.
6. Have the Mission Control people pantomime what they were doing.
5. Get Wavy Gravy, who was MC at Woodstock a few months earlier, to come in as CapCom.
4. Play Golf.
3. Used lots of obscure acronyms
2. Rerun the tape from Apollo 11
1. Operetta.
11. The calibration on the speedometer in the Ford Bronco.
10. The sales volume of The Bridges of Madison County.
9. Rush Limbaugh's collesterol count.
8. The amount of money it takes to buy the Timberwolves.
7. The winning lottery numbers. Hey, I didn't win, so please do it again, okay?
6. The size of Roseanne's mouth.
5. The CBS fall schedule.
4. Whether Windows 95 should be renamed.
3. The number of people who believe that Anita Hill was telling the truth.
2. All the science used on the tv show Earth Two
1. The Voodoo Economics rehashed in the Republican Contract On America.
11. You can name all the shows William Shatner and Leaonard Nimoy ever appeared in as regulars.
10. You think Chicago Hope is better than St. Elsewhere but not as good as ER, but that it would be much improved if the hospital hired Marcus Welby or Quincy or Cliff Huxstable.
9. You know who Susan Lucci is.
8. You love or hate Judge Ito.
7. You care about Roseanne.
6. You look at Odo and wonder what happened to Benson.
5. You buy products based on their tv commercial.
4. Any award show actually means something to you.
3. You'd rather rent the video than go to a movie theater.
2. You've fallen and you can't get up.
1. You get all the jokes in this program.
11. A gold record for his cover of a Two Live Crew song.
10. OJ's Ford Bronco.
9. A 'salute to' album featuring his jam with Buddy Holly, Janis Joplin, Keith Moon and Jimmy Hendrix.
8. A copy of DOS for Dummies.
7. The rejected postage stamp picture of the older Elvis, done in velvet.
6. Jerry Lewis reuniting him and Frank Sinatra.
5. A new contract with Nike for Air Elvis.
4. The official announcement of his Academy Award Nomination for Blue Hawaii III.
3. An autographed copy of Paul Simon's Graceland album.
2. A platinum Senior Citizen's discount card.
1. His daughter's divorce papers!
11. The space program is old hat.
10. Elvis is alive.
9. You lead groups in singing the theme from The Brady Bunch but can only mumble along to the Star Spangled Banner.
8. You can name all of OJ's defense attourneys but can't name all of the seven Dwarfs.
7. You think that you can balance the budget by cutting taxes and increase spending.
6. You never questioned God's existence.
5. You have an expert opinion of the difference in the fries at McDonalds, Burger King and Wendys.
4. You just got a new cartridge for your turntable.
3. White bread and mayonnaise are the key ingredients for a great sandwich.
2. You don't have a favorite sexual position because you can't imagine any other way to do it.
1. A product means more to you if Rush Limbaugh told you to buy it.
11. Fear and Typing in New England: The Stephen King Story by Hunter S. Thompson.
10. The 5,000 Most Common Names For Your Baby And How To Avoid Them by Dweezil Zappa
9. The Best Defense Is A Good Offense: The Salmon Rushdie Story
8. My Granddad Is Still Alive But I'm Not Sure About My Father by Tito Presley Jackson
7. Opus 500 by Isaac Asimov clone #47
6. I Was Shirley McClaine In A Previous Life
5. Sexegenarian Sex by Madonna
4. The Pee Wee Herman Presidency: Exposed! by Bob Woodward
3. Amelia And Me: A Century of Privacy by Judge Crater
2. Forget Oswald, I Really Did It, Honest! by Ollie North
1. The Top 10 Things I'll Say Now That I'm Dead by David Letterman
11. Rides in theose cool UFOs.
10. In space, no one can hear you scream.
9. Two hearts are better than one.
8. Can get dates from species on any planet.
7. Can see repeats of any tv show by zooming father away from planet to catch broadcast.
6. Rush Limbaugh sounds even stupider in a language you don't speak.
5. Medical insurance is all paid up.
4. Watch Babylon 5 for glimpses of your relatives.
3. Can get to see our leader anytime. Better than e-mail.
2. Relativistic speeds of space ships mean you don't grow older as fast as Earthlings between trips here.
1. Really impresses Earth chicks.
ddb@nam.ing.com